I have a secret love of telling Bad-Mommy Stories. I like reading Bad- Mommy Stories. My former professor and brilliant children's book author, Lisa Jahn-Clough calls good mommies in stories, "waffle making mommies," and the children's market is inundated with them. As in, the thing that goes right in the kids life is they have this perfect breakfast in which their mother makes them a full breakfast and hugs them before school. As a mother, I would like to think I AM a "waffle mommy," that I have given my children the perfect breakfast, (strike the rushed granola bar moments from memory.) If I could, I would let myself believe that every day, my children both go to school feeling equally loved, appreciated and special. But here is the thing, we are all recovering from some aspects of childhood.
I have always had a lovely mother. The kind of mother whose reaction to the meanest hateful thing a child could spew, would be, "Jesus wouldn't like you saying that," or "I know you don't actually feel that way, you are just angry," or if really pushed, "I love you, but I don't like you very much right now, either."
My mother put 3 square meals on the table, made sure laundry was clean, helped with homework, promoted education, promoted play, supported dreams. She believed (and still believes) her daughters and son will make their own dreams come true. Even if, at times, her goals are unrealistic. (Someday, your book will make you a millionaire! Why not, look at Stephen King.)
My mother put 3 square meals on the table, made sure laundry was clean, helped with homework, promoted education, promoted play, supported dreams. She believed (and still believes) her daughters and son will make their own dreams come true. Even if, at times, her goals are unrealistic. (Someday, your book will make you a millionaire! Why not, look at Stephen King.)
But I know at the end of the day. When all is said and done, while I can say I know my parents love me, I will in part, feel unlovable. Perhaps, that is the human condition, or perhaps a condition brought on by my life circumstances. I know that as a child even though I knew she had 4 other children, even though I knew it was not fair that I would feel "unloved," that I would feel it anyway. Not through any fault of her own, I knew laundry needed to be done, papers needed to be graded, dinner needed to be on the table, needs needed to be met before wishes. Something about that made me feel under- appreciated. As a child, I even knew my demands for constant entertainment and engagement were asking too much. But I believed the things she did (the laundry,...) was what she did because she liked doing them. Not because she needed to do it. And that it meant those activities were more important than I was.
My son once said, "Momma, you like to clean more than play," I laughed. But it reminded me, that I was like my mother, doing exactly what needed to be done. And yet, my child thought I didn't want to play with him.
What our children can learn from Bad mommies
1. I will fail them, and in the narratives they read they will learn how to handle life without me.
In Coraline, Neil Gaiman creates a 'real' mother that fails her daughter. She can not spend every waking hour with her child. She is choosing to allow her child freedom, and bad stuff happens. Coraline will learn how to deal with that and how to not just save herself, but also save her parents. She must learn that she will not always be completely taken care of, and she will become more resourceful in the process. |
2. Not every word that comes out of a mother's mouth will be kind, yet it isn't always indicative of lack of love.
In One Crazy Summer, Rita Williams- Garcia writes of Nzila who has really cruel statements to her children. While my own mother's words were kind. I have said mean things to my kids at times. In fact, just a few days ago, I hurt my daughter, "You want to control everyone, and you need to stop. You want me totally for yourself, and you aren't even leaving any room for your brother to have my time too." I meant, specifically, she wouldn't let him squeeze in my bed when we were reading, (Better Nate than Ever.) But really I meant she does not want him to encroach on any time with me. She wants "mommy & me," with a side of "brother on occasion." I MEANT what I said, and at other times, I've said it gently to her. Perhaps, I am being hard on myself comparing myself to Nzila, who says, " I didn't send for you. Didn't want you in the first place. Should have gone to Mexico to get rid of you when I had the chance." However, to my daughter, I have said the meanest thing. But What Williams-Garcia does, is show that although Nzila says these things, she does actually love her. Cecile/Nzila's explanation that Delphine has her mother's face and never bothered her, shows this. Moms sometimes say mean things, sometimes because their children need to hear them, sometimes just because moms need to say them. But just because you can't love a child the way they WANT to be loved, doesn't mean they aren't loved.
3. Sometimes Moms chose not to be with you, but we will try to leave you in caring arms.
In Brown Girl Dreaming, Jacqueline Woodson depicts her mother leaving her in Greenville to go to New York. She never gives solid reasoning for the absentee mother, but maybe we don't really need to know. This was for me, incredibly important, as I face my first major leave of absence from being super mom: I'm going away for 10 days to grad school. As much as people will say, "you are doing this to give your kids a better life," I know, I am doing this for me. Sure a low residency is also for them, it involves the least amount of "away" time, but I could have been one of those moms who chose to get an MA instead of a MFA, or who never got a Masters. But in this, I chose me, and I am lucky to know, my children will be loved while I am gone. My kids are lucky too, because they will have special moments with their grandparents and father that they might not have had with me home. Woodson, shows that her and her siblings had a happy life by whoever was their caregiver.
4. Parents will not always pay attention to what is fair.
Jesse's mother fails to make him feel appreciated all of the time, in Bridge to Terabithia. She allows his sisters to get away with trickery and meanness. She is clearly overwhelmed with responsibilities but when he really needs his parents, they are there for him. When I read this with my son and daughter, I forgot she was in the room. His brown curly haired head resting just above my hip, I thought, he needs to hear this. He needs to understand, I know it never seems fair, he is bigger, older and I expect more of him. He is by nature, a more independently happy child, but that means his wants sometimes are lost in the fold of every day life. I don't always hear his needs, though I try, I will always be there for him, when he REALLY needs me.
5. You will see your mother doing something you know is wrong.
In When You Reach Me, Miranda sees her mother is stealing office supplies from work. Miranda notices her mother getting angry and worries about her, She helps her mother by saying she doesn't want new carpets, after her mother wins The 20,000 Pyramid game show, but rather encourages her mother to finish school. Our children need to know that their mother will make mistakes and that they must distinguish what is right for themselves. I snuck outside while they were still sleeping, hovered in the front yard, I crouched down, and lit a cigarette. I did this from time to time- picked up a pack to smoke "just because I am drinking." And hide to finish it off long after the bars are closed and the sun breaks. I'd rush home and wash the smell of cigarettes and the transmission smell of alcohol seeping through my pores out of my skin. If my children smelled something I would say, "I know this coffee has a weird smell." But this day, my babies heard the door and peaked out from the window upstairs. When I came into the house, *Coco was outraged, "You smoke Momma?" *Night Hawk (self nicknamed) said "I never saw you do anything wrong, welcome to the club."
The reason the children's book market is full of "waffle-making mommies" is because moms buy books. We want to see ourselves as heroic martyrs of perfection in our children's eyes. Instead, how about we purchase books that say, "You are right, we screw up sometimes, and that sucks for you, but look how you can grow from that." It is much more realistic and ultimately, a positive message. As Moms, we believe that you are capable of great things, we want to open the discussion up, Mom's suck sometimes too!